This one rings a bell when she says she needs a break,
For a moment, you wonder, has she had enough, or is she just having it rough?
She ain’t slipping you some tongue, now she speaks in tongues,
She has exhausted her smiley faces emoji, she is now using sign language in her texts ,a thumb sometimes she will go the ghetto way and use the fist .Don’t even try ask her what’s on her mind .
Bro, her mind is a now going through some bad thoughts titration, two more drops of your question and her face will turn blue, she will be speaking so fast that you will need some subtitles. These subtitles, well they come in plenty, she will shake her finger, her head and her waist .Hands will go Akimbo (surprise, did you actually know that she speaks in sign language “so now you know! Shinsky.)
She will type and speak with her Caps Lock ON! Whatever she need to say isn’t case sensitive.Efforts to read her mind will be similar to trying to read Biko zulu’s tuesday story when the website is under maintainance.
Don’t confuse her talking out loud with her having a conversation with you .She is having a monologue and a dialogue with herself .If you’re interested in seeing how far a lady can go in multitasking, this is the period to do that research .At first you will blame it on the mood swings but no, they come with some cramps, this time she is not asking you to rub her back .Conclusion
It’s not that time of the month when biological bills have to be paid.
“Why I’m I giving you tips on how to work at a team against those cramps “?
In between the matrimonial bed, she starts erecting the Mexican wall .You now sleep like Maumau fighters but this time she faces Mt.Kilimanjaro while you face Mt.Kenya .Goodnight will sound like “Facing Mt.Kenya”.
You won’t be missed for long, she will get a new toy. This thing vibrates, it can’t let you sleep. I hate phones on vibration mode, might give you earthquake nightmares while you are struggling na hii joto.
Now you are busy wondering how Arsenal will survive without Ramsey in the next season,then you remember “Ohh ,there is Ozil,the wanderboy”while she is busy replying “aww” to those Manchester United players picture ,the one that they are all in suits, followed by the one where they are in the gym, you know them. Attached on her Whatsapp status there will be some poetry, and philosophical quotes.
“When you can’t love the game but you keep falling in love with the players. “That’s her quote.
Let’s face it guy ,when ladies are watching football ,it’s just like men watching Citizen TV Live at 9 ,guess the anchor. Lilian Muli (Rushel Kadir,does this ring a bell,hope nani hasomi this part).
You watch her dive deep into the news she is now on the head…line,news headline .Sometimes we follow the anchor ,not the news ,for the ladies ,they follow the player,not the game .She follows Giroud and Neymar on Instagram.
That kitchen game doesn’t work anymore ,where you walk behind her in the kitchen and tease her ,she doesn’t like it anymore .She is serious ,she will point you with a knife and tell you “Stop it,I’m not in the mood”.
Don’t get any kinky knife ideas.
Slowly you transit to the personal audit stage ,a unique stage characterized by some order.
First you start with checking the performance of the vehicle below the belt ,it is running well, actually you are even giving it some traffic jam njugu and pumpkin seeds V-Power.Then move up to your chest
“it’s not that hairy “.
“Maybe its your mouth.”
“Noo,it can’t be ,lately you have been loyal to Sensodyne toothpaste and PK ,the original ones ,sio freshi,this thing tastes like omo.”
The audit stage doesn’t say much about you.I guess it’s in the details,auditors love that phrase.
It’s now 3 days since she decided to call a truce ,she is now in the cold war stage combined with corrupted feminism.Here is where you have to deal with real blueticks,highlighted and appearing in bold.Those blueticks that make you want to write a thesis on
“Infuence of Technology on Marriage and Dating “
Adjust your reading posture,I’m just about to do an analysis of marital cold war.
Your communication will be limited to Whatsapp status.First of all she will change that profile picture of her ,the one you are with her ,the one that had your mum asking you
“Ukarehe muhiki ri?”
Apparently your mother’s biological clock is ticking ,she wants to be called a shosh and your father wants a transition from a retiree to a grandfather.They all get tired of the cows chicken ,they want to have babies to tell them stories about long time ago when there was a ghost called Muchina who swallowed our businesses.
Oh ,here’s another another one that will jog your memory around the routes of that picture .Her ex and your ex congratulated you,she typed “aww” while her ex did that wink love emoji.
That one arouses some mixed reactions,but isn’t that what emojis are supposed to do?Send mixed signals.
She will replace that photo with a dog , there will be a caption “My Dog,My Bae”.
That dog and the caption is a code language between her and her girlfriends .
Well,let me tell something about girlfriends ,yes those girls that take tours and road trips to Mombasa,Nakuru and this year they are planning on going to Dubai.I’m talking about kina Alice and the rest who will use twenty hashtags #travellingdiaries #kitlioexpeditionsafaris #sarovasaltlick #lovelaughlivelife Alice ni my sister .Martin ,this one is for you Bro.
These ladies have been mentored by Samuel Morse,they have mastered the morse code.They are Russian spies infiltrating America .They will have a conversation in your timeline facebook post or a message thread about your love for only one T-shirt na hutajua.
You better have a Raymond Reddington mind to understand them.
Usiniulize who are these guys ,”real men watch The Blacklist sio ujinga ya Keeping Up with the Kardashians”
You remember that status photo of her dog and Instagram post she made on #My Dog,My Bae?
It means all men are dogs ,now check what breed that photo is and decode .Hope it’s not a Chiwawa,a black Chiwawa is rare to find.
Oh she loves bulldogs,no ,it’s the Siberian Husky.
You are one hell of a hunter ! (google hiyo).
Akiweka fisi my friend,you better resign .
Signs and symptoms of corrupted feminism will start to emerge.You will ask her to pass you the soap while you are in the shower ,it was an accident ,the other one fell into the toilet bowl.For this one you will have to be louder than that Samsung home theatre.
She is listening to Jennifer Lopez Ain’t your mama,no she is not just listening ,she is actually telling you that she ain’t your mama,don’t forget ,it’s in the details.
My friend,at this stage there won’t be tetema.
Tetema ujichukulie sabuni uwache kumaliza tokens ama uchape passport.
There will also be moments of regrets on her playlist like Hello by Adele .Then just when things are about to get good ,Tuirio Twega by Jose Gatutura aka Mashete will ruin everything .
Tell me how there is no chemistry between this guy and Kareh B,the mugithi guys ,tuko pamoja?
You better get out the shower singing kihiki understanding or Haha Nigute.It is throwing…Eric Muriuki aka “Kaminja ,you can relate to this.(Ignore this).
I told you ,things are bad at this stage ,this is not a time to call your boys ,call your forefathers and get spiritual guidance .Dive deep to those African proverbs that talk about dating ,cold war and marriage.
Go to Congo and borrow this proverb Lovers do not hide their nakedness halafu pitia Burundi ukienda kulipa tokens ,tumia Where there is love there is no darkness.
You can’t fail to consult our mentor Solomon aka Solo.
Enda Song of Songs 4:15 NIV “You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon “ata kama kwao ni Ndumberi.
Do anything ,but whatever you do ,don’t give up bro.Help is coming.
Unakumbuka I told you that these kina Alice wa maselfie ,Shiko wa club drama,Sharon wa Diamond (she has a crush on Diamond) ,Maggie wa junk food ,Bree wa praise team ,Eva wa shopping ,Racheal wa house music na Brayo wa camera (yule jamaa hukuwa na umama) , behave like Russian spies.Good thing ,there is always a double agent.
You text Shiko wa madrama,you two have a thing .
Mshawai vuta weed pamoja?,juu you know each other so well.
She is the double agent,all it takes is some 747ml Mzinga ya Jemi.Tusianze argument ,kama ulifanya mole concept utajua 40 % alcohol content requires 747Ml of Jameson and not 750.
Shiko will start talking .
“Cheki ,Voke .You love it when she is tipsy and calling you Voke with some Ghetto in it.
”Vio loves you,I can swear ata alewe aje she tells us,nipelekeni kwa Voke,we call her Vio wa Voke”
Voke ni mimi ,yes there are good Kevins out here but hatuitwi Kevo,tunaitwa Voke.
Vio is my girl in this story,her name is Violet ,but I call her my Violin.Me and her,we’re are some good poetry,we’ve got some flow.We met during Poetry Slam Africa Festival pale Alliance Française (Hii jina ni ngumu).She loves Mufasa and Gufy.
Hold on ,did you know that Gufy’s real name is Oscar Ogero,I wonder why no one has called him Double O yet?
Violet,my lady apart from following on KiraguWarwere ,she loves some Mumbi poetry. Especially that piece “ A letter to my future husband”
I love that piece where she talks about the needs of a woman.
Inaitwa?Haiko youtube ,ni video nilitumiwa whatsapp na Liz.
Shiko will now start getting emotional.
“But Voke,you are fucking unfair”.There will be some long vowel sound on the “fu” just before the “ing sound.
You might assume ,”well that’s the Jemi talking .”
Wait until that “Hop,Skip and Go Naked cocktail starts speaking”
Here is it comes,
is she shifting her posture on that chair?
That’s the hop part.
Ohh noo,is she giving you that finger thing?
That’s the skip part.
She is about to get to the go naked part,the jacket is coming off.
She will be quoting Joyce Meyer sermons of marriage accompanied by some Gary Chapman .”The Five Languages of Love.”You should read this book,punguza betting,this one is a sure bet.
This is just foreplay ,it will be getting hard and rough.
“Anachapa shot ingine “.This one is called screwdriver.She is about to screw some sense into your mind.
Why do cocktails have funny names .Name one in the comments section and I will tell you what it does.We can have a BBW( Buyer Beware) moment to sample them over the weekend .You pay what you drink but the drinking rule remains,the storyteller never buys and never pays.
I’m only thinking about this BBW moments because Shiko has taken a moment to go and pee.Talking of peeing, there are two type of people in the morning.
Those that are woken up by their alarms and those who are woken up by that pressing desire to pee.Which one are you?
Note ,the peeing and alarm part does not apply on my sister Elizabeth ,this one is woken by prayers.She wakes up to pray.This is the part where you say Amen,halafu sadaka …
Shiko is back.
“Kevo,where did you take the 20K that you borrowed from Vio”
When you are in love you borrow money from each other.Mapenzi ni kusaidiana,usiogope kutrend.
I grabbed some ndimu,and did that kamuwasho thing that lemon gives you .
“20K gani?”I responded as I balanced the ndimu between my lips.
Mentally I was now calling all my mental auditors,I think I now have a clue on why auditors work late .
Kelvin Mugendi aka auditor ,uliland?.
I hope it’s not wrong saying Hi to a few friends in this story.It started like a Kikamba song,high note,it can’t end without some greetings,let me enjoy some author privileges.
Back to the 20k,I couldn’t trace any of that, I could have decided to blame it on corruption,but that would mean me stepping down as Violets cabinet secretary on heart and love affairs.
Shiko grabbed some ice cubes .
“The 20K that you told her you needed for your business capital yet Simo your partner alisema hakuna loan ilikuwa needed.”
Then it hit me.The reality not the alcohol
“Aki Shiko, unajua hiyo pesa inaniuma hadi wa leo , ningeshow Vio niya nini angenibeba fala.”
Shiko acted surprised or she was just surpised .
This was my moment of confession .
“I needed a Tax clearance certificate.’she didn’t let me finish.
“Yani Voke ulifake certificate ya KRA?,a moment of silence and headshake spiced with disgust ,you’re such a fraud,all along Vio thought ulibet na hiyo pesa.”
I wanted to tell her ‘I’m fraud to be Kenyan,but staki jokes sasa.
In my defense I had to cut her short ,”Zii,nililipa tax penalties ,apparently I had not filed my 2017 tax returns.”
I don’t recall the other part of the conversation,but recall paying giving Shiko a very warm goodbye hug,she was heading somewhere in Thika road for some baby shower.His guy was picking him up,saving me the Uber hustles ,the only reason his guy is my friend is because this guy can get you some sure bets.
Wanaume hii ujinga ya kwenda baby shower and white party tulitoa,mwanaume ni kuvaa jeans T-shirt na ukiweza sandals na unatokea.’we are used to “come as you are hangouts “.Tutafuliza,kwani iko nini?Kenlee,unaelewa?Check his blog here kenlee blog .
Since we were still communicating with status updates .I had to talk to Violin,status update pap!
“KRA,they can take everything away from you ,kindly file your tax returns ,karibu wanichote bibi.”then I had to end with #20KFINE .#KRATAXRETURNS.
In one minute she had viewed my status and in 2 minutes ,she had responded .
“This time round ,I’ve got you covered baby,”
In the evening we had dinner and the handshake happened.TMI.
She has changed her profile picture to ours.It’s now official but I seriously need a job,my relationship is hanging on a debt.Meanwhile let me read the Five love languages.
Have you filed your tax returns here?