Love and Taxes

love and taxes

 

This one rings a bell when she says she needs a break,

For a moment, you wonder, has she had enough, or is she just having it rough?

She ain’t slipping you some tongue, now she speaks in tongues,

She has exhausted her smiley faces emoji, she is now  using sign language in her texts ,a thumb  sometimes she will go the ghetto way and use the fist .Don’t even try ask her what’s on her mind .

Bro, her mind is a now going through some bad thoughts titration, two more drops of your question and her face will turn blue, she will be speaking so fast that you will need some subtitles. These subtitles, well they come in plenty, she will shake her finger, her head and her waist .Hands will go Akimbo (surprise, did you actually know that she speaks in sign language “so now you know! Shinsky.)

She will type and speak with her  Caps Lock ON! Whatever she need to say isn’t case sensitive.Efforts to read her mind will  be similar to trying to read  Biko zulu’s  tuesday story when the website  is under maintainance.

Don’t confuse her talking out loud with her having a conversation with you .She is having a monologue and a dialogue with herself .If you’re interested in seeing how far a lady can go in multitasking, this is the period to do that research .At first you will blame it on the mood swings but no, they come with some cramps, this time she is not asking you to rub her back .Conclusion

It’s not that time of the month when biological bills have to be paid.

“Why I’m I giving you tips on how to work at a team against those cramps “?

In between the matrimonial bed, she starts erecting the Mexican wall .You now sleep like Maumau fighters but this time she faces Mt.Kilimanjaro while you face Mt.Kenya .Goodnight will sound like “Facing Mt.Kenya”.

You won’t be missed for long, she will get a new toy. This thing vibrates, it can’t let you sleep. I hate phones on vibration mode, might give you earthquake nightmares while you are struggling na hii joto.

Now you are busy wondering  how Arsenal will survive without Ramsey in the next season,then you remember “Ohh ,there is Ozil,the wanderboy”while she is  busy replying “aww” to those Manchester United players picture ,the one that they are all in suits, followed by the one where they are in the gym, you know them. Attached  on her Whatsapp status there will be some poetry, and philosophical quotes.

“When you can’t love the game but you keep falling in love with the players. “That’s her quote.

Let’s face it guy ,when ladies are watching football ,it’s just like men watching  Citizen TV Live at 9 ,guess the anchor. Lilian Muli (Rushel Kadir,does this ring a bell,hope nani hasomi this part).

You watch  her dive deep into the news she is now on the head…line,news headline .Sometimes we follow the anchor ,not the news ,for the ladies ,they follow the player,not the game .She follows Giroud and Neymar on Instagram.

That kitchen game doesn’t work anymore ,where  you walk behind her in the kitchen and tease her ,she doesn’t like it anymore .She is serious ,she will point you with a knife and tell you “Stop it,I’m not in the mood”.

Don’t get any kinky knife ideas.

Slowly you transit to the personal audit stage  ,a  unique stage characterized by some order.

First you start with  checking the performance of the vehicle below the belt ,it is running well, actually you are even giving it some traffic jam njugu and pumpkin seeds V-Power.Then move up to your chest

“it’s not that hairy “.

“Maybe its your mouth.”

“Noo,it can’t be ,lately you have  been loyal to Sensodyne toothpaste  and PK ,the original ones ,sio freshi,this thing tastes like omo.”

The audit stage doesn’t say much about you.I guess it’s in the details,auditors love that phrase.

 

It’s now  3 days since she decided to call a truce ,she is now in the cold war stage combined with corrupted feminism.Here is where you have to deal with real blueticks,highlighted and appearing in bold.Those blueticks that make you want to write a thesis on

“Infuence of Technology on Marriage and Dating “

Adjust your reading posture,I’m just about to do an analysis of marital cold war.

Your communication  will be  limited to Whatsapp status.First of all she will change that profile picture of her ,the one you are with her ,the one that  had your mum asking you

“Ukarehe muhiki ri?”

Apparently your mother’s biological clock is ticking ,she wants to be called a shosh and your father wants a transition from a retiree to a grandfather.They all get tired of  the cows chicken ,they  want to have babies  to tell them  stories about  long time ago when there was a ghost called Muchina who swallowed our businesses.

Oh ,here’s another another  one  that will jog your memory around the routes of that picture .Her ex and your ex congratulated you,she typed “aww” while her ex did that wink love emoji.

That one arouses  some mixed reactions,but isn’t that what emojis are supposed to do?Send mixed signals.

She will replace that photo with a dog , there will be a caption  “My Dog,My Bae”.

That dog and the caption   is a code language between her and her girlfriends .

Well,let me tell something about girlfriends ,yes those girls  that take tours  and road trips to  Mombasa,Nakuru and this  year they are planning on going to Dubai.I’m talking about  kina Alice and the rest  who will use twenty hashtags #travellingdiaries #kitlioexpeditionsafaris #sarovasaltlick #lovelaughlivelife Alice ni my sister .Martin ,this one is for you Bro.

These ladies have been mentored  by Samuel Morse,they have mastered the morse code.They are Russian spies  infiltrating  America .They will have a conversation in your timeline facebook post  or a message thread about your love for only one T-shirt  na hutajua.

You better have a Raymond Reddington mind  to  understand them.

Usiniulize who are these guys ,”real men watch The Blacklist sio ujinga ya Keeping Up with the Kardashians”

You remember that status photo of her dog and Instagram post she made on #My Dog,My Bae?

It means all men are dogs ,now check what breed that photo is and decode .Hope it’s not a Chiwawa,a black Chiwawa is  rare to find.

Oh she loves bulldogs,no ,it’s the Siberian Husky.

You are one hell of a hunter ! (google hiyo).

Akiweka fisi my friend,you better resign .

Signs and symptoms of corrupted feminism will start to  emerge.You will ask her to pass you the soap while you are in the shower ,it was an accident ,the other one fell into the toilet bowl.For this one you will have to be louder than that Samsung home theatre.

She is listening to Jennifer Lopez Ain’t your mama,no she is not just listening ,she is actually telling you that she ain’t your mama,don’t forget ,it’s in the details.

My friend,at this stage there won’t be tetema.

Tetema ujichukulie sabuni uwache kumaliza tokens ama uchape passport.

There will also be moments of regrets on her playlist like Hello by Adele .Then just when things are about to get good ,Tuirio Twega by Jose Gatutura aka  Mashete  will ruin everything .

Tell me how there is no chemistry between this guy and Kareh B,the mugithi guys ,tuko pamoja?

You better get out the shower singing kihiki understanding or Haha Nigute.It  is throwing…Eric Muriuki aka “Kaminja ,you can relate to this.(Ignore this).

I told you ,things are  bad at this stage ,this is not a time to call your boys ,call your forefathers and get spiritual guidance .Dive deep to those African proverbs that talk about  dating ,cold war and marriage.

Go to Congo  and borrow this proverb Lovers do not hide their nakedness halafu pitia Burundi ukienda kulipa tokens ,tumia Where there is love there is no darkness.

You can’t fail to consult our  mentor Solomon aka Solo.

Enda Song of Songs 4:15 NIV “You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon “ata kama kwao ni Ndumberi.

Do anything ,but whatever you do ,don’t give up bro.Help is coming.

Unakumbuka I told you that these kina Alice wa maselfie ,Shiko wa club drama,Sharon wa Diamond (she has a crush on Diamond) ,Maggie wa junk food ,Bree wa praise team ,Eva wa shopping ,Racheal wa house music  na Brayo wa camera (yule jamaa hukuwa na umama) , behave like Russian spies.Good thing ,there is always a double agent.

You text Shiko wa madrama,you two have a thing .

Mshawai vuta weed pamoja?,juu you know each other so well.

She is the double agent,all it takes is some 747ml Mzinga ya Jemi.Tusianze argument ,kama ulifanya mole concept utajua 40 % alcohol content requires 747Ml of Jameson and not 750.

Tusibishane.

Shiko will  start talking .

“Cheki ,Voke .You love it when she is tipsy and calling you Voke  with some Ghetto in it.

”Vio loves you,I can swear ata alewe aje she tells us,nipelekeni kwa Voke,we call her Vio wa Voke”

Voke ni mimi ,yes there are good Kevins out  here but hatuitwi Kevo,tunaitwa Voke.

Vio is my girl in this story,her name is Violet ,but I call her my Violin.Me and her,we’re are some good poetry,we’ve got some flow.We met during Poetry  Slam Africa Festival pale Alliance Française (Hii jina ni ngumu).She loves Mufasa  and Gufy.

Hold on ,did you know that Gufy’s  real name is Oscar Ogero,I wonder why  no one has called him  Double O yet?

Violet,my lady apart from following  on KiraguWarwere ,she loves some Mumbi poetry. Especially that piece “ A letter to my future husband”

I love that piece where she  talks about the needs of a woman.

Inaitwa?Haiko youtube ,ni video nilitumiwa whatsapp na Liz.

Shiko will now start getting emotional.

But Voke,you are fucking unfair”.There will be some long vowel sound on the “fu”  just before the “ing sound.

You might assume ,”well that’s the Jemi talking .”

Wait until that “Hop,Skip and Go Naked cocktail starts speaking”

Here is it comes,

is she shifting her posture on that chair?

That’s the hop part.

Ohh noo,is she  giving you that finger thing?

 That’s the skip part.

She is about to get to the go naked part,the jacket  is coming off.

She will be quoting Joyce Meyer sermons of marriage  accompanied by some Gary Chapman .”The Five Languages of Love.”You should read this book,punguza betting,this one is a sure bet.

This is just foreplay ,it will be getting hard and rough.

“Anachapa shot ingine “.This one is called screwdriver.She is about to screw some sense into your mind.

Why do cocktails have funny names .Name one in the comments section and I will tell you what it does.We can have a BBW( Buyer Beware) moment to sample them over the weekend .You pay what you drink but the drinking rule remains,the storyteller never buys and never pays.

I’m only  thinking about this BBW moments because Shiko  has taken a moment to  go and pee.Talking of peeing, there are two type of people in the morning.

Those that are woken up by their alarms and those who are woken up by that pressing desire to pee.Which one are you?

Note ,the peeing and alarm part does not apply on my sister Elizabeth ,this one is woken by prayers.She wakes up to pray.This is the part where you say Amen,halafu sadaka …

Shiko is back.

“Kevo,where did you take the 20K that you borrowed from Vio”

When you are in love you  borrow money from each other.Mapenzi ni kusaidiana,usiogope kutrend.

I grabbed some  ndimu,and did that  kamuwasho thing that  lemon gives you .

“20K gani?”I responded as I balanced the ndimu between my lips.

Mentally I was now calling all my  mental auditors,I think I now have a clue on why auditors work late .

Kelvin Mugendi aka auditor ,uliland?.

I hope it’s not wrong  saying Hi to a few friends in this story.It started like a Kikamba song,high note,it can’t end without some greetings,let me enjoy some author privileges.

Back to the 20k,I couldn’t trace any of that, I could have decided to blame it on corruption,but that would mean me stepping down as Violets cabinet secretary on heart and love affairs.

Shiko grabbed some ice cubes .

“The 20K that you told her  you needed for your business capital yet Simo your partner alisema hakuna loan ilikuwa needed.”

Then it hit me.The reality not the alcohol

“Aki Shiko, unajua hiyo pesa  inaniuma hadi wa leo , ningeshow Vio niya nini angenibeba fala.”

Shiko acted surprised or she was just surpised .

“Kwani ulido.”

This was my moment of confession .

“I needed a  Tax clearance certificate.’she didn’t let me finish.

“Yani Voke ulifake certificate ya KRA?,a moment of silence and headshake spiced with disgust ,you’re such a fraud,all along Vio thought ulibet na hiyo pesa.”

I wanted to tell her ‘I’m fraud to be Kenyan,but  staki jokes sasa.

 

In my defense I had to cut her short ,”Zii,nililipa tax penalties ,apparently I had not filed my 2017 tax returns.”

 

I don’t recall the other part of the conversation,but recall paying  giving Shiko a very warm goodbye  hug,she was heading somewhere in Thika road for some baby shower.His guy was picking him up,saving me the Uber hustles ,the only reason his guy is my friend is because this guy can get you some sure bets.

Wanaume hii ujinga ya kwenda baby shower and white party tulitoa,mwanaume ni kuvaa jeans T-shirt na ukiweza sandals na unatokea.’we are used to “come as you are  hangouts “.Tutafuliza,kwani iko nini?Kenlee,unaelewa?Check his blog here  kenlee blog .

Since we were still communicating with status updates .I had to talk to Violin,status update pap!

“KRA,they can take everything away from you ,kindly file your tax returns ,karibu wanichote bibi.”then I had to end with #20KFINE .#KRATAXRETURNS.

In  one minute she had viewed my status and in 2 minutes ,she had responded .

“This time round ,I’ve got you covered baby,”

In the evening we had dinner and the handshake happened.TMI.

She has changed her profile picture to ours.It’s now official but I seriously  need a job,my relationship is hanging on a debt.Meanwhile let me read the Five love languages.

 

Have you filed your tax returns here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A PRAYER TO FINDING HER “MR RIGHT”

Much has been said about the Kenyan Man ,with the ladies appealing in the “court of love.” If Kenya was to have a lady president, who is single and ready to mingle ,I’m sure she would declare the extinction of the ‘Kenyan Gentleman “ a national disaster .
Especially for a church lady who is in her mid-life crisis, the “Gentleman “issue has been always on her prayer list since her mother started wondering ‘I’m I not fit to be a grandmother? “When your mother starts calling her prayer group made up of women who are already grandmothers in the Mothers Union. A grandchild will top their prayer items top on the prayer, you should read between the lines.
So here is a prayer for the lady seeking an ideal relationship.

‘Dear GOD I’m not praying to be her man, I know it’s not my time, we all have different seasons. This is a prayer for her season before you give her man; please teach her that there is a true gentleman who loves her, yes let her know that when all men seize to be gentlemen, there is one who will always be her true GENTLEMAN.
She asked for a man who opens the doors for her ,dear GOD you just did it for her (Revelation 3;8 )you have opened doors that no one can shut so when she says there are no real gentlemen ,just remind her that you’re there.
She asked for a man who showers her with gifts, she has forgotten 2 Timothy 1:6? “For this reason I remind you to kindle afresh the gift of GOD which is in you…”
When she complains that there is no gentleman who can take her for dinner, just remind her of Isaiah 25:6” The Lord of Hosts will prepare a feast for all the people on this mountain, a feast of aged wine, choice meat, finely aged wine”. Did you just promise wine LORD? She always wish for a man who has a taste for wine, yet she says there are no gentlemen?
She wants a man who never forgets her birthday ,GOD ,does she know that you knew her before she was even formed in her mother’s womb, how then can YOU forget her birthday ?NEVER !.You have always given her the perfect gift, the gift of life, what more can one wish for on her birthday?
She wishes for a relationship with someone who always holds her hands, has she forgotten Psalms 73:23 ?“Yet I’m always with you, you hold me by my right hand.”
Sometimes she is anxious and wonders,”Can I find a relationship where someone will listen to me? Just whisper to her 1 Peter 3:12 “Casting all your anxieties on HIM, for he cares for you”.
When she feels that relationships can’t work, let her pastor preach; John 15; 16 “Greater Love has no one than this, that HE lay down HIS life for HIS friends.
If she can’t have a relationship with you who know she is not perfect, how then will she find a true gentleman when she can’t even find you who loved her before she knew how to say ‘Mama, Papa?
Help her find her rib by finding you.

AMEN
Wedding is just a ceremony,marriage is the anniversary

@vinsky_poet

Fifty Bob

50 bob

If reincarnation is something I will have to believe in ,then I would prefer coming back in the afterlife as a fifty Kenya Shillings Note .

I don’t want to be a dollar ,there is so much scrutiny that comes with that,the dollar is too serious with life ,it can’t enjoy the fun of a fifty shillings note .This note knows everything about financial freedom ,the dollar comes with restrictions ,no freedom.

Can I now have a meeting with Kenyans and anyone who understands  the power of this currency .

Lemmi explain ,fifty bob  has tasted  corruption and religion .Hii pesa,it’s a symbol of traffic corruption .Vile kanakunjwa na the driver hands to the traffic cops remains  more of a mystery than corruption.It’s   almost the same way kanakunjwa kakiwekwa kwa bag ya sadaka.Fifty bob is a major determinant to whether fare ya  kwenda Ruiri na Super Metro imepanda ama haijapanda .Unapea conductor mia anakushow “ngoja chwani”.Yani fifty bob gives you a reason to wait.

Fifty bob pale kwa mama mboga imetosha bachelor akule balanced diet .Sukuma za kumi na mayai tatu .The you will hear me asking her ,

“Mathe ,kitunguu ni ngapi .”

She will pause cutting the sukuma ,she speaks in knife language,yani she points everything with her knife.

Kuna ya tano ,na hizo hapo nyuma  ni kumi.”

“Na nyanya?”

“Hapo ni moja tano.”

Think no more ,nachukua kitunguu moja na nyanya moja ,leo ni ugali mayai Sukuma ,na zile avocado nilibeba zishaiva.Itakuwa UMSO (ugali,mayai ,Sukuma na Ovacado).Unga niya kisiagi.

A fifty bob   note that come with cellotape is an original one ,you don’t have to check where the lion is sitting or whether Mzee  Kenyatta amepiga koti pasi ama   amenyoa ndevu .It’s legit ,original ,made in Kenya ,for every Kenyan,ni kama pickup ya Toyota Kenya .A common character in the  Kenyans for Kenyans campaign .

A fifty bob circulates the journey  of the Kenyan economy ,in hard times and in good times ,in soft hands za slay queens to the rough hands of the mjengo guy,it balances the budget.

It is used to declare out state of poverty .

“Aki mbele na nyuma ,niko na fifty bob peke yake .”

It  is also painless when one bets with it .

“Wacha niwekelee  sportspesa fifty bob ,ata muhindi akikula, hiyo haitamfikisha India.”

“Have  you ever loaned somebody fifty shillings ,but huwezi muitisha.?”.Now that’s the power of a fifty shillings note ,it promotes lending without  payback.When someone asks you

nitumie fifty bob kwa mpesa”,utaskia aibu kusema hauna .

The waiters at Java Coffee House know that ,hawawezi kupea change ya fifty bob imeshikana .They give it  you in coins ,kwanza za ten bob ,inabidi umeziacha tu kama tip.Especially kama your trouser pockets zimeraruka na umevaa t-shirt.

The fifty bob shillings note  inajua how to surprise a Kenyan ,unaenda kurecyle ile jeans ya blue and just when you thought you can’t afford hotdog ,that one that has a smokie at the cente  ,unapata fifty bob kwa mfuko.

Kwa budget ya mlevi ,fifty bob ni kikombe ya Keg .It’s not cheap liquor ,it’s economical liquor.

Fifty bob is a  factor of safety that determines whether Voke will  make a loss,a kill  or profit pale Tom Mboya akiuza viatu jioni .

Shiro:(pulling her short dress down )Hizi heels ni how much ?

Voke:350

Shiro:Sio mia tatu.

Voke:Hiyo haiwezi ,unajua hiyo chwani ndio nakula,kwanza zinakutoa poa na hiyo dress

Shiro:( smiling as she opens her clutch bag an counting three hundred )aki niko nasoo tatu.

Voke:Shika tu ,hiyo fifty bob utanitumia kwa mpesa…

That’s how Voke got Shiro’s number ,ilianza na kafifty bob.That day he made a kill.

The power of the fifty bob.Makes me fraud to be Kenyan..hehe

What’s your fifty bob moment ?

Twitter: @Vinsky_poet

Facebook :@Kev Nyaga

 

 

 

Smart Bila Make Up

beautiful-african-woman-bright-dress-450w-757800157

Some freestyle poetry today ….

Uko smart bila make up,

Hii si lust,so hatuwezi break up,
Nakaa ni lust,i’m sure italast,
Icome pia na trust,
wee come na hiyo mini,si unaniamini.

Meaning!
Wewe ndiye baby mama,ata na hizo drama,
For better for worse,love bado itakwama,
Nikuite my queens,tukilea hao tweens,
Wao wakistummer,mi bado lugha nakupa,
Wakinywa kwa glasi,mi nanywa kwa chupa,
Ukiwapa maji,mi wanipa ya mtama.
Wanachovya asali,hawajui nina mzinga!

Nikushow some naked truth,
Ain’t being rude,sisemi nasend nudes,
Nikuchat na kuflirt,
Kuhug na kupat,
Kapicha na kaskirt,

Tuput some act,
Kaclean na  dirt…

“tiugyo
simean kusema hivo,but mind pia ni evil,

Huyu dame wa ploti!
Ashanifanya naughty,
Namchocha na manoti,
Hananga masharti,
I mean mashati,
Inalike kuvaa koti,

Hapendi make up ,but inalike vitenge ,

Ni natural na cultural,

Though kautembea,si kapastoral ,
Si dame wa makesi!
Ni kembamba na kepesi!
Kanapenda Messi,
Si mrough and messy,
Game yake hucome through,

Saa kamejam !!!!

Wee kuja na drama ,

Mimi nacome na comedy,

Nabeba pia popcorns ,

Wee kuja na scorn ..

 

I feel so remote!!!

 

Si we just hook up!!

 

Tuache Kiswahili mob ,how about some grammar?

 

Hi ,how are you doing?

 

 

@Vinsky2019

 

 

Niite Toothpick.

toothpck

 

Some street poetry today …Reader’s discretion is advised ,there is some sheng here .

 

Niite toothpick ,juu nacome kumaliza hii beef,

Sitapromise some soup ,ilikuwa tu ni steak ,

But hii rumour ni juicy,

Ilianza tu juzi,

Na lucy kwa stool ,pale kwa msusi ,

Saa ishakuwa kirusi,

Mtaani ishaa stick!!!

 

Then tena kwa harusi ,

Wanakula mushene ,kaa mchele na stew ,

 

Wanamind your life ,juu in their mind ,

Hakuna business za kumind ,

Wakidhani wewe SIO,

Ushakuwa CEO ,

Ulistick to your lane ,

Wakidhani utacrush ,

Ushakuwa their crush !!

 

 

Kabla wajue mbichi na mbivu,mii nishavuna na sikwenda Mavuno!

Ata ukule na fork ,bado rumours zitadrip ,

 

Kuspread tu rumours,

When they ain’t spreading thighs,

Hamjaskia you guys !

Mchana mnadhani yuko shy ,

Jioni heels ni high,

Yake class ni  high,

So take notes ,not coats,

Anapenda whisky ,kaa zake tears.

Dry…

 

Hehe,walidhani watanifry ,

But mimi nyama ngumu,

Lazima mchemke ,

Ndio mimi niive,

 

Huu moto mshapasha ,so lizama niwake ,

Ita fire fighter ,na pia DJ Lyta ,

Juu moto itawaka ,na duru zitafuata .

 

Ni lazima niwawashe ,ndio mnipashe ?

Ni lazima niwake ,ndio mnipate?

 

Niite Toothpick,Nacome kumaliza hii beef .

NEXT TIME ,TUKULE PORK…….HEHEHE…

 

@Kev Nyaga 2019.

Keep Smiling

smile.jpeg

He who laughs last was just smiling,

So keep smiling.

And when they asks,

What’s there to smile about?

Don’t stop smiling,

Find a reason to smile,

Then smile about it,

You never know, they might smile to your smile.

 

Be the warm winter smile ,

Keeping it cool in the summer,

You look cool when you’re smiling ,

Keeps people warm.

 

Smile with those lips closed, to show them you ain’t stupid,

Sometimes let the lips lose grip,

For that flirty smile

 

Make that genuine smile contagious, till it goes viral,

Shake hands then touch their hearts with a smile,

 

Don’t forget the little smile of getting home,

A victory smile for little achievements,

A lonely smile when you feel so alone,

For even when alone, the smile is still around.

 

He who laughs last was just smiling.

So smile,

Did I see you just smile?

Share that smile .

 

Let’s Connect for Real.

connect

Some poetry..

It’s funny ,sisi hupitia  hapo status street na hatuwezi ingia hapo DM tusalimiane,

Tunakunywa coffee  hapo comments,tukisalimiana  kama  magari na honi,

Kamagera kwa stage ,tunatafuta followers ,passengers kwa hii journey ,

Kupanda ni anywhere,kushuka ni ile stage utafeel we need to meet ,

We need to meet, tuache kulink up kwa links,

Tuanze kamake contact after taking contact,

Tumeet eye to eye ,tuache kureply “hi” na emoji za eye ,

 

Tuko fake na tuko real ,tuko false na tuko sure,

Sitamind tukimeet kwa mwezi ama jua,

Najua  real life ni dark,tutawasha hizo candle,

Date mimi  nipropose, wewe useme yes,

Venues upropose ,

Mimi niseme

“I like it “

 

Nitacome for real ,unione bila filters,

Although niko colour blind ,nitaona your true colours,

Utajua character bila tweet ,

Correct me if I’m wrong ,ata bila autocorrect,

I weigh more than  Instagram ,

Hapo kwa hapo,si kwa app.

 

So …

Si simu tuweke kando ,natuzime hizo bundles,

Waiter lete maji ,tuzime hizo rumours,

Lete pia mbuzi ,tuchinje hiyo emoji,

I’ve got some sense of humour ,

Na pia nina lugha.

 

So natumia lugha kuuliza ,

We are we still related when we can’t be close?

Why we still got groups when we can’t meet in person?

Kusend “hi”… badala ya kusema hi..

Kusend “cool” when there is nothing cool,

Kulike when there is full of hate.

 

Tuconnect bila USB,

 

A MILLION LITTLE THINGS

casket

I never make it to church on Sunday, but today I made it on Saturday, Tosh is here too, in a suit. We all came in style to mourn you like an English man, though it’s a black and white affair. You are at the altar, no, not you .Neither are you an altar boy.

At the altar of All Saints Cathedral lays your gold casket, with bronze handles.This one had us digging deep into our pockets bro. Your mum is sitting on the front sit, she is wearing a black hat and some large  sunglasses, occasionally, she removes them to wipe her tears .Your father sits next to him. He hasn’t said much ,he just asked why?

 I still remember our last conversation …

There was something you needed me to know, but I had to go,

I was in a hurry, but bro, you didn’t just leave in a hurry.

You left so young and early

Your father asks why?

Why couldn’t your sunset wait till midday?

Why couldn’t you live to fight another day?

Like the world wasn’t your place to stay,

You found another way, life was cut short,

Your sister tries to gather her strength and read your eulogy, she has been the strongest one ever since you left .Your cousin Pamela tries to hold her still. She can’t find the strength to go on, those words don’t make any sense any more, those picture can’t replace the moments. One last cry and she faints, Aunt Jemima helps Pamela to get you outside, under the shade, she hands her some water .She had caved in.

You caved in!

Caved in so deep, now we’ve got to bury you,

Though you said sorry, we still blame ourselves.

I thought it was a mistake, but your life was at stake,

Some will say you were weak,

But that last week, you were tired of walking on the tight ropes,

Your life hanged by a thread, now it’s no more

Suicide by hanging

 

 

But tell me why?

Why didn’t your life appeal, before you swallowed those pills?

Now you stay still, wish I had a moment to ask how you feel.

 

I know.

People were hard to impress, feelings got hard to express, and wife became a mistress,

I could feel the stress in you, when home was in distress,

The pressure was hard to suppress, though you tried suppression,

In between, stress, distress and suppression, depression grew.

 

I wish…

I wish I gave you more reasons to live, and not leave,

Something to believe, and not grief,

A warm hug, not a cold shoulder,

A strong shoulder to lean on and not crumble,

A true friend, and not a gamble,

 

We have been your boys, your true friends, we are now your pallbearers. Tony, Collo and Ben hold your casket from the right .I’m holding from the left, Tosh and Mose are there too .We were the seven band of brothers, now we are six. Carrying your casket to the hearse, we march out of All Saints Cathedral. Behind the organ plays, as the choir sings.

Oh, when the saints go marching in

Oh, when the saints go marching in

Oh, Lord I want to be in that number

When the saints go marching in

Oh, when the drums begin to bang

Oh, when the drums begin to bang

Oh, Lord I want to be in that number

When the saints go marching in

The memorial service is now over, your mum requested that there should be no photography at the service and the funeral too. They are painful memories, especially when a mother has to bury a son .She is in the hearse with us, escorting your remains. We miss you and all that remains.

However, how…

How did we miss the signs?

Calling the shots and drinking in silence,

DEPRESSION!

Drinking hard and driving fast,

Working late and drinking late,

Missed calls and no calls,

I thought you called to say Hi,

However, that was goodbye.

You were dead from inside, before the suicide,

 

Your sister now stands by my side, she reminds me of you. How you never left my side when I lost everything, you even had to set aside a room for me when I lost my job. As I grab the shovel, throwing the soil back to the grave, I can’t imagine how to fill the void that you have left. I can see your father leaving the graveyard, holding your mum’s hand .

Now it’s been three months since you left, your dad sits at the balcony, staring at your grave. He is no longer sitting on his old  leather swing chair ,he sits on a wheelchair .Doctor says it’s stroke .We are  grabbing a beer with the boys ,at that  joint that you loved,we aren’t watching football, we are talking about depression .As the  setting sunset shines on us ,I hope you shine on your way bro.

You lived life young, and left young,

We met so late, but you left so early.

Too early to wait for a million little things.

 

 

Some story and poetry inspired by the TV series .A Million Little Things.

 

 

Mama’s Prayer.

mama's prayer

Somewhere in the village, it’s 3am,you can hear some crickets in the background.In one room the lights are on  ,it’s my sister’s room ,she is not there ,she is in the city .It’s now my mother’s prayer room.She is down on her knees,you can her whispers and her cries ,she is crying out to GOD.

PRAYING.

Somewhere in the city we’re leaving the club .Six hours later  I’m nursing a terrible hangover. I really don’t know where I am ,an UBER got us here.Two ladies lie next to me on the couch, from the look of things I can tell .This looks pretty much like a crime scene.It’s everything my mom would use to describe as Sodom and Gomorrah up the pulpit ,back in the Anglican church in the village .It’s everything that makes my DAD give us a farewell speech before  concluding  with .

“Let me tell you something ,it’s very painful for a parent to bury his son or daughter,always remember  where you have come from. Be careful of what you do out there.“

Mama always  ends it with a word of prayers.(So many words)

But mum ,this is the city where you have to dodge bullets for you to live ,

Get  knocked and locked up for you to get up,

Next move is a gamble,so we bet .

I bet you’re still  praying for me Mama.

 

Your sons and daughters can’t stop  grinding and slaying ,

Dad,I’ve got the friends you warned me about.

But I’ve got no doubt.

They are my keys to win,

Unlocking me when locked up,

It’s funny how you say “it’s insecure being with them”,

Seriously…with them I always feel secure ,

The feeling of being at home while  roaming insecure places away from home,

 

Mama,don’t stop  praying for your son to find that perfect daughter in law ,

He’s in the city where lust comes before love,so he’s yet to find love,and marriages can’t last,

Lot’s of girls you can trust,

Always break the trust,when the rubber cracks,

So when the periods fail,

 

Period!…

We’ve got to stop kidding ,

It’s sex without breeding ,fight without bleeding, and leaving without feelings,

You feel me?

We can’t wait for death to bring us part , so we bring it to our part or just depart.

 

So Mama,keep praying for your daughters’ and sons’ souls,

For the city  can’t stop preying for their souls,

We’ve got to be on our toes  and  check out tails ,

Dad ,it’s hard to walk in your footsteps,

I’m tempted to drive,

I know ,there will be debts to be  paid ,

But here ,you’ve  got to slay or  get slayed ,

Keep your hands stained ,or get chained

Fake it till you make it  if depression doesn’t kill you.

 

Sounds like a fantasy…

But there are things I’ve tried to see,

Like trying ecstasy ,

I need to get high,

Grab some weed for emphasy,

And show some courtesy,to Mama.

 

Please ,Mama,don’t stop praying ..

Last Sunday ,I tried church  after club ,

I also gave to GOD,

Made me believe in miracles too,

I danced without a girl,

And I didn’t pay for the wine.

 

Mama,the city is rachet,

A mad men market ,

We  party to bury  the hachet,

And leave in casket,

The city is twisted ,hope your  prayers keep me straight.

The city is the  valley of the shadow of death,Pray that I conquer its evils.

 

Though you can’t view my status,you still asks me

What’s up son.

Reminding me I’m in your prayers.

 

Today,it’s some story and poetry.

BROKEN COMMANDMENTS

broken commandments

I know what you did last Sunday!

It’s one of those Sunday afternoons   when  you deserve  the right to rest after a service of repentance .You deserve it, especially now that you are on the verge of breaking all the  ten commandment. Eight are gone, only two remain, it’s time to pray, a short and sweet prayer.

”GOD give me strength, for the spirit is willing, but the body is weak, but if that fails Lord, I still believe you are a GOD of second chances. “

You still believe in prayers though most times you survive with your Mama’s Prayer .Like this weekend.

It has been a long weekend, one where sins are packaged in a zip file  and now it’s a moment to extract them .If you extract them in  future tense  ,you realize that you  did not just steal someone’s  daughter, she is somebody’s future wife, so you all  committed adultery. In between the sin of adultery,  you used the name of the Lord in vain .Now you idolize her, from an angel to a goddess , .Her curved smile was the first thing you noticed, then you zoomed into her curves ,these ones were not just smiling ,they were enticing .

She is one of those rare species that can balance on a pair of heels while rocking her curves and curving out a smile. That should be your cue that she does not mind starting a conversation with you .A few minutes into the conversation and you realize she can shake what her mama gave her and still have her brains intact. She is a limited edition of GOD’s creation on the sixth day. GOD did not just create her, HE curved her with curves that flow, they don’t just end, they end with suspense. Her smile comes with pauses of laughter before her conversation ushers in her brains.

In a span of two days, this girl has put you two clicks away from the verge of pulling a Moses and the Ten Commandments. Let’s just say you are now holding the last pieces, inscribed are the two unbroken commandments. You aren’t alone. #Tukopamoja.I have been in that boat and sailed on those winds.

 

Just below her Whatsapp profile name, some blue dots appeared…

Shiro HR  is typing…..

I know what you are thinking .I cheated on Vio. (My Vio in the Love and Taxes story).

However, what do you expect from a man who is enjoying a daily sale of njugu courtesy of traffic, the body must definitely be weak. I met Shiro when Vio decided to sleep facing Mt.Kilimanjaro while I faced Mt.Kenya, even in those moments, my gun needed some shooting to keep it from rusting.

I’m telling you this as I wait for Shiro HR to finish typing  ,my phone vibrates .Just got her message.

It’s a picture of her licking some icecream, below it, some caption.

“Hey lover boy, I think I’m not getting any hotter in this weather.”

As I reply, I imagine on her end she will see.

Loverboy is typing……then a message.

“You better not waste that cream on your lips”

Shiro HR is typing ….

“I’m sure it will flow from my lips to a softer landing, that one doesn’t require a towel to clean, does it? (A wink and monkey emoji) .She is not done yet. She drops a picture of her dropping a piece of cloth. It’s definitely not a towel.

It’s a napkin .She has a napkin attachment, she always has one in her handbag just in case a date pops up.Shiro is twenty seven ,works as a human resource manager  and has interviewed more men than she has dated .Her dates turn into interviews when she asks the tell me about yourself question. She is not willing to let a napkin ruin her perfect match moment.

I am now halfway into breaking the fourth commandment .It is a willing spirit versus weak body moment. I have nothing to keep pure. Not when I was having a conversation with a lady who believed in making moments. She likes being a dominant ,hates being kept waiting, I couldn’t afford to let anything hold me back.

This was going to be a long conversation, I was fully prepared for the journey, my phone was plugged into to the charger, and this was not going to end with a low battery warning. I wasn’t going to let my Sunday afternoon ship of imagination sink, all hands were now on deck.

We are now on the what are you wearing part of this Whatsapp conversation .Kindly note we are chatting about the weather .Why   are you taking your mind into the gutter?

“I’m typing”

Just some beachwear

Shiro HR  is typing…

Let’s do it on the beach, it’s one of my fantasy. My love for this kind of photography arouses my creative imagination. I even have a pictures of how I want it ,let me send .

Me typing …

Eagerly waiting…..(As I type this there is a background whisper saying “go away Satan, we are talking about sunrise photography here”.Shiro loves photos,hope you get the picture.)

 I was now 10 minutes in the waiting .My eagerly waiting message still on blue ticks .I guess she decided to make it a video. Takes time to load especially if the holy spirit decided to intervene through Zuku Fiber.

I didn’t let this time go to waste, the two sides of Kevin started having a conversation, a dialogue between Kevo and Voke ensued.

 Kevo : ,such  photos and videos takes some editing,they have to look real .

 Voke: Boss,Shiro is not just beautiful ,she is a sapiosexual.This meant that apart from you  not being funny and handsome ,you’re neither smart nor intelligent .

 Kevo:Be  the gentleman here ,this game needs patience.

Voke :Unangoja grey ticks ili umani?Tosheka na blueticks .

Apart from dealing with the blue ticks ,Shiro had just left me  doubting my self esteem , she had declared me a man who is  neither  funny nor handsome ,neither  smart nor intelligent. Depression started being real.

The dawning of reality just pulled a fuliza on my waiting for some sunrise pictures. I had given her the pleasure of playing some human resource role-play with me. That was it; in one weekend I had just been  hired and fired. In this game, she was the coach, the Brad Pitt on Money ball, she considered nothing personal, it’s just business.

For a moment, she never considered she had just planted a seed of imagination that needed to be watered, but I was determined not to let it wither. My determination allowed the   seed to bloom into the swaying palm trees of the beach, waving at me .The undrawn curtains in my bedsitter  oceanically danced to the orchestra of the sea waves. The sea  breeze gently  caressing over my   face to my beachwear,  arousing all my senses of imaginations .As I indulged into the conversations of Khaled Hosseini ‘And the Mountains Echoed”(It’s a good book), I adjusted  my position on the beach bed.

I’m now adjusting the position of the throw pillow as I step on the ottoman.

Then, a Whatsapp Message.

Shiro HR…

Sorry ,I think Zuku censored our conversation. (Some monkey with one eye closed emoji)Still thinking about the beach moment?Here are the pictures .

 I couldn’t wait to download.

She had just sent me a snapshot…

Not just any other snapshot,it a picture showing her payment made to Bonfire adventures for the The 2019 Diani Easter Holiday Package-Swahili Beach Resort.

Then another text …

Shiro HR is typing….

Such a getaway needs a funny guy… ( then a beach ,a dancing lady and a wine glass emoji, in that order)

Me typing…

I wish you luck in finding that guy….(I was playing cool).

Then she typed …

Kevin, you have been hired, you are that person.

Looks like being funny just got be an Easter Getaway at the Swahili Beach Resort , all along she was  here.

I promise, no commandments will be broken during this Getaway, it is purely business, .She is in HR remember.

I won’t be drinking and driving ,Bountiful Safaris will handle the transportation bit ,I will  handle the drinking part

At the end of this four days my heart will be free ,since Vio  decided to introduce some space into our relationship .I hope the distance between Nairobi and Mombasa is enough space for her to miss me.Since we are still communicating using Whatsapp Status ,I’m thinking of some catchy hash tags.

#YOLO, no #Liveandenjoylife.#BountifulSafaris#TembeKenya.

This Easter don’t drink and drive,I just realized Bountiful Safaris have exciting offers for drinking without driving ,transport is catered for .Check it here.

That sunday,the made me dream,explore and discover the other side of Shiro.